


Not quite a first time

by Lord_Risley



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Always Time For Lube, Anal Sex, Barry White is a Love God, Bottom John, Fluff, Flying Condoms, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Painfully clumsy, Sex, The penis sucking thing, Top Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, not quite sex, too much lube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 14:21:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8536522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Risley/pseuds/Lord_Risley
Summary: "I merely meant that you haven't made any sexual advances since we did the penis sucking thing" John and Sherlock try to have their first time together...they try





	

**Author's Note:**

> To make it a little easier to read, the characters speech is written like:
> 
> "Normal" - Sherlock
> 
> "Italics" - John
> 
> "Bold" - Nurse

John and Sherlock sat in bed together in matching pyjamas, a gift from Mrs Holmes at Christmas. Sherlocks were black with a dark blue pinstripe and his initials monogrammed on the breast pocket. Johns were a light blue with dark blue pinstripe and his own initials also monogrammed. That they seemed to wear them at the same time was a weird coincidence. Sherlock suspected that Mrs Hudson purposefully lay them out on top of their laundry pile because it amused her so. The duvet was laid across their laps and they both sat with their backs against their headboard, books held before their faces.  

"John?" 

 _"Hmmm?"_  

John replied, not pulling his eyes away from his book. 

"Are you bored?" 

 _"No. It's just getting to the good bit. Bond is just_ _being_ _tortured by Oddjob."_  

Sherlock stared blankly at John, completely lost 

"There were words then but I have no idea what you were saying. I didn't mean your inane spy book. I mean me, you, us." 

Johns book tumbled from his hands.  

Their relationship was only new. They had kissed and then spent weeks just bumbling around before they managed more kissing and eventually jerked each other off. The day after and Sherlock had disappeared for a week, sending only one word messages to John. It hadn't taken a genius to see Sherlock was out of his depth and was running away. As soon as Sherlock had returned home, John had sat him down and forced them both to have a very grown up talk about it all. Sherlock's face had gone a charming shade of pink during the chat. He wasn't embarrassed, he was just clueless and that was something he hated.  

 _"No. No of course not, why would you think that? I'm happier than I have ever been in a relationship. I'm content and....why would you think I'm bored? It's the bloody_ _pyjamas_ _isn't it? We look like some couple from the fifties, I know we do. They're just so comfortable but I'm not-"_  

"Do shut up John." 

Sherlock interrupted.  

"I merely meant that you haven't made any sexual advances since we did the penis sucking thing." 

John chuckled and shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest 

 _"A blowjob."_  

"I don't like that word. It's childish." 

 _"And penis sucking thing isn't? It sounds awful._ _"_  

"It's factual and to the point. You sucked my penis. It was a thing." 

 _"You sucked mine too."_  

John grinned and leaned in across the small gap between them.  

 _"You were really SPECTACULAR at it."_  

"That is what everyone has always told me. As the saying goes...practice makes perfect." 

There was a long, long, long silence. 

 Sherlock waited for the laugh. 

 He had made a joke. 

 Why wasn't John laughing.  

That had been hilarious.  

One of the funniest things he had ever said...surely. 

 _"Are you attempting to make a joke Sherlock?"_  

John asked very slowly, his body tensed, ready to leap from the bed and go get his gun if he had to. 

"Obviously. Your penis is the only one I have sucked or had anywhere near my mouth. Therefore it's an amusing joke isn't it?" 

 _"No._ _No._ _No it is not. Future reference, no joking about other lovers,_ _past_ _lovers, future lovers, fantasy lovers. In fact, any lovers that are not me. Promise me that and I'll give you a bl- penis sucking thing again."_  

"I agree to those terms." 

Sherlock held out his hand in a serious offer of a handshake which John accepted.  

"Now that we have that out of the way I wonder if you would be interested in some sexual intercourse?" 

 

It had taken several minutes for John to recover himself after the most direct of propositions. He'd agreed and then rushed off upstairs to find the half used box of condoms that were stuffed in his sock drawer. They hadn't been used in some time and John just offered up a prayer to the Gods of safe sex that they were still in date.  

Sherlock had taken the opportunity to google 'First times and what to expect'. When John returned he was greeted by Barry White telling him that he was his first, his last, his everything. The lighting was dim and Sherlock was laid out naked across the bed, the sheet draped over one thigh.  

"I'm seducing you into having intercourse with me." 

 _"I...I can see that."_  

John stepped into the room, closing the door quietly behind him.  

 _"I_ _appreciate all the attempt at seduction but do you mind if I turn Barry off? It's hard to concentrate while I'm being told I'm like_ _a first morning dew on a brand new day."_  

"Oh of course. I was meaning to make you feel relaxed but do turn it off if it isn't working." 

Sherlock sat himself up, crossed his legs and smiled, waiting for John to join him.  

"I did some research while you were upstairs and I've decided that I should be the 'top' position in this arrangement. Therefore you need to be penetrated by me. I think that's best and I'm pleased with my choice."     

John tried hard to not say anything too sarcastic or flippant and just nodded once before replying 

 _"Do I get any say in this? I've never done this before Sherlock and I think we need to go slow and be considerate of each other."_  

"I am being considerate. You are the only one of us with any sexual experience. I have none except the few times you've done the penis sucking thing. For this truly to be a first time for us both, I need to have sexual intercourse and you need to be penetrated. Logic." 

Well damn. That actually made sense when Sherlock laid it all out like that. John sighed and rubbed the palm of his hand against his temple. He had assumed he'd top but why? Why hadn't he considered this? He couldn't expect Sherlock to so something he wouldn't and ...and it was truly Sherlocks first time.  

 _"Okay. Okay I think that makes sense. Seduce me Holmes."_  

He laughed and jumped onto the bed making Sherlock bounce and fall onto him. They rolled and groped at each others naked bodies, hands trying to touch and caress as much skin as possible. They kissed with an abandon they had yet to experience. It was born of lust, want, need and desire. Sherlock's tongue forced its way between John's lips, almost choking him. It wasn't particularly sexy or coordinated but neither was it when John's elbow somehow poked Sherlock in the neck and they had to break away while Sherlock gasped for air.  

Things didn't improve when Sherlock rolled John onto his back. John tried to roll Sherlock back. Sherlock growled and pushed back harder and the pair successfully rolled...right off the bed and onto the floor 

"We're on the floor and you're still on top!"   
 

Sherlock huffed and offered John a hand.  

"Back on the bed now. You can't get out of it by attempting to roll out of the room like a middle aged ninja" 

" _I'm not trying to escape. I'm just not used to being on the bottom of things and I was trying to get back to my normal place in....in...."_  

Sherlock was giving him a death stare. A look that clearly conveyed this was not the time to remind him of all of his past sexual conquests.  

 _"Why don't we get back on the bed?"_  

John said quietly, pressing his palm to Sherlock's cheek, his thumb rubbing along those ridiculous cheekbones.  

" _I'm not having our first time on the floor_ _of_ _your bedroom."_  

There was a mad scramble and then both bodies bumped back onto the bed, John wiggling backwards and up the bed, pulling his lover with him. Sherlock crawled over John's body, eyes roaming over the body that was now his for the taking. How he loved this body, worshipped it almost and now it was all his.  

A condom was pressed into Sherlock's hand. John knew his boyfriend far too well and if he left his enthusiastic lover to it, he'd remember the condom in a few hours time.  

Everything came to a sudden stop. There was silence. John lifted his head from the pillow. 

 _"Uh. Everything okay down there?"_  

"I ripped the condom." 

Sherlock's voice trembled like a childs. He held the broken rubber in his hands, his finger rather comically poking through the middle of it.  

 _"No problem! I've got more. It's not a problem Sherlock."_  

John plucked the ruined condom from Sherlock's finger and handed over another foil wrapper.  

This was not going as Sherlock planned. He'd watched all that pornography and done all that research and this is not how it was supposed to happen. How to make this more arousing for John? Aha! He lifted the condom to his mouth, grinned and tore at the packet with his teeth. It was supposed to be sexy and exciting. It was not supposed to catapult the foil wrapped condom straight across the room and out of the bedroom window.  

John silently handed over another one. He didn't speak. He couldn't. If he laughed now... 

Sherlock pretended nothing had happened and raised the third condom to his mouth. He grinned again but this time held tight to the packet as he used his teeth to rip it open. He knew something had gone wrong when his lips felt slimy, the lubricant smearing across them and he lost the ability to breathe through his mouth. The condom had shot into his mouth, the rubber sticking in the back of his throat. It was disgusting, why did people ever think these should be placed near a mouth, let alone ripped open by a mouth? He stuck his tongue, pulled a face like a bulldog sucking a lemon and coughed hard until it dislodged itself...and splatted against Johns forehead.  

"John. You have something on your face." 

 _"Thanks, I did notice"_ Came the sarcastic reply. _"This is the LAST condom so please be gentle? Please?"_  

John pleaded, clutching Sherlock's hands as he pressed the last condom into a trembling hand. He didn't want this to end and certainly not like this.  

 _"_ Mmmaven't done befoawww." Sherlock mumbled, eyes down as he opened the condom wrapper extremely carefully this time.    

 _"Neither have I. It's okay."_ John pushed himself up, propping himself on his elbows. _"This will be my first time with you, with a man."_  

"Not that you idiot! This! This annoying rubber contraption that tastes revolting. I've never used one before and I keep breaking them or losing them out of windows and this is the last one!" 

" _Didn't you ever spend hours outside a chemist, daring your mates to go in and buy condoms and then have nothing to do with them but make balloons? I was so ready, I could roll a condom on like a pro'...I just couldn't get anyone to join in."_  

John laughed, hoping the silly story would put Sherlock at ease a little more. His hand lay gently on top of Sherlock's and between them they managed to get one (Slightly flagging) erect penis into a condom.  

"AHA!" 

Sherlock announced triumphantly.  

"I'm ready. Prepare for the best copulation session of your life John Watson!" 

There was a high pitched shriek and John shot backwards until he was squished up against the headboard, knees almost up at his ears.  

 _"LUBE! LUBE SHERLOCK!"_  

"Oh yes, forgot that bit." 

Sherlock smiled and pulled a brand new bottle from the bedside table where it had been waiting since the morning after the first 'penis sucking thing'. 

 _"You. Never. Ever. Forget. About. The. Lube."_  

John's shaking finger punctuated each word and jabbed Sherlock's shoulder.  

 _"If you only ever remember one thing, it's the lube!"_  

"...Even over Barry White and appropriate mood lighting?" 

 _"YES!"_  

"Noted"  

Sherlock didn't seem to see what all the fuss was about and busied himself by squirting generous blobs of lube onto the palm of his hand. The liquid was cold. He frowned and worked his hands together to warm it a little.  

"Warming it a bit because I am, apparently, a kind and generous lover. This will be inside your body so warm would be best. Your internal body temperature usually runs at 37 degrees and this far from that though I think it will warm quickly." 

John interrupted because this lecture could go on some time once Sherlock started and they were down to one condom and the longer they waited, the more nervous he became.  

 _"It's ready. I'm sure. You can start."_  

"Excellent!" 

Sherlock's eyes gleamed with excitement. He leant over John and kissed him once, his hand pressing to the wall to support himself. The other, extremely well lubricated, hand reached for John's cock.  

Sherlock realised his mistake almost immediately. The very nature of the lubricant was that it was wet and slippery. There was no friction and there was no grip. His hand on the wall slipped first and with no way to stop himself, he fell down, face first onto John and head butted him. There was a crack as their foreheads crashed together. 

 John was opening his mouth to yell in pain but then Sherlock's other hand slipped and sound wasn't possible. The large hand had squashed John's testicles before sliding free. Pain erupted in his body and he didn't know what to do, he couldn't even roll into a ball because Sherlock was on top of him, possibly concussed and covered In lubricant.  

There was a short period, maybe ten seconds, before they both started to yell and try to free themselves from the tangle of aching bodies and the bedsheets. It was like wrestling in golden syrup. They slipped, they slid and fought until they ended up back on the floor once more, both breathing hard and Sherlock looking a bit dazed.  

 

 

The nurse smiled brightly at them both and checked the clipboard in front of her.  

"So, what brings you to A+E this evening?" 

 _"Crushed and swollen testicles and a two inch gash on my head"_ John grunted 

 **"Oh dear. And You sir?"**  

"This wouldn't have happened if you'd left Barry White on." 

 _"_ _He_ _has a_ _gash to_ _the head and conc_ _ussion. "_  

 **"I see. And may I ask how this accident occurred?"**  

"NO!"  

_"NO!"_


End file.
